How do I find the words to express the gratitude and love in my heart that you’ve stirred for nearly 14 years? How do I let you know how much you have given to me and to my sweet little family? Do you know you will forever be mama’s baby number one?
I can’t keep from reminiscing today. I think I need to remember all the good things to make losing you okay. Do you remember how small you were? Or how hot the asphalt was on your first walk? I remember how you couldn’t go up or down stairs because they were so much bigger than you. You fit in my hand.
It took some real work wearing down Blake to get you. He may never admit it but he’s never been sorry and he really loved you too. He even had fun playing with you, probably more than you did! And I will always remember the childless years you carried me through. Those were some long and dark times made easier by you. Only those who’ve known this heartache can truly appreciate how much you did, and it makes losing you that much harder.
I remember the ONE and only toy you ever played with. Would that the little alligator could have lasted forever. But then I feel the same way about you.
Or the first time you made the long car drive to Idaho to visit family. You were a real hit!
In your prime you could jump all the way to the top of the recliner where you’d look out the window. You could even make it up on the bed by yourself with some real effort and maybe a little help from a pillow or two.
Oh sweetie, I’m going to miss seeing you sleep soundly curled in a little ball. Not to mention the warm welcome you were always waiting at the door with whenever someone came through it.
And I’m going to miss the pitter patter of those little feet, the snorts in the background and even the snoring. It’s going to be awfully quiet without you.
Shandi, you’ve been the first baby your whole life; you’ll never be displaced. As your first groomer so aptly put it, you never knew you were a dog. You just thought you were a little person with fur. You were hon, you were. From the chocolate you never should have had to the many vacations you went on. I’m going to miss you so much! My master comforter, trusted confidant and most loyal baby. Thank you for all that you’ve given. My heart will forever have a little empty space surrounding the wonderful and warm memories of you. Thank you sweetie for being you, thank you for aging so gracefully, thank you for giving all you had to all of us. We will always love you!
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Earlier this week I took the plunge to clean. Normally this would be in reference to some home related task, but this time I’m talking about cleaning up digital clutter.
One thing is certain, clutter builds and it comes in many forms. Although I was only using 30% of my available space on my Gmail account, the folders I had filled with e-mails were old, generally useless and adding to clutter. So I forced myself to go through them and delete all the old stuff that didn’t have a place or purpose in my archives in preparation for a new year. I kept the family e-mails, a few important ones for reference but by in large I deleted folder after folder of e-mails. Some from e-mail groups I take part in, others that just seemed to build over time. It was like an invisible weight was lifted! Which, come to think of it, shouldn’t be a surprise given how many thousands of e-mails went into the great deletion void.
The reason I share this is because it’s been a progressive battle for me to let go of little things. I’m an organizer by nature. Years past you’d find a neat little (okay make that big) stash of perfectly labeled and filed old bills, photos, etc., etc., etc. I would never in a million years have considered clearing old e-mails because with the typical pack rat attitude I’d have countered that you just never know when you’ll need one! *giggle* Over the years I’ve had no problem moving to a thrifty storage mentality of all things physical. I go through closets, toy bins and cupboards on a regular basis removing items and clutter not used, keeping only what is needed and current. But I had some sort of block when it came to digital clutter. Three computer moves have helped me with it a little but this year was a giant leap for me. This year instead of having a dozen or so folders for organizing e-mails, I’ve got ONE titled “Misc. to keep” and only a few more for things like school and family. Instead of keeping and sorting e-mails as they come in, I’m reading and then deleting most of them. Sounds simple, but for me this is a big step forward.
I’m learning to let go, be more practical and get more done. I heard it said once that if you want new and good things to come to you there is a need to make room for them. So I’m starting 2009 with a bang of making room.
Anyone else got big plans for the coming year?
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On the upside, he didn’t need stitches and his sister showed heartfelt concern. I think he’ll be avoiding toddler girls with rocks for a while though.
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Wordless Wednesday
I’m just sitting here wondering why it is that once you hurt any part of your body the chances of re-injuring the same area increases exponentially? I swear it’s as if that spot suddenly becomes magnetic or something.
Case in point, yesterday afternoon I managed to smack my left finger just above the first knuckle. I don’t even remember how I did it, I just know it hurt and I peeled a little skin back in a single horizontal line across the finger. It didn’t require a band-aid, just a head shake and momentary sting. Well, this morning I was loading sacks from the store into the back of my car when I managed to strike the exact same spot! I took in a sharp breath and checked out the damage to see that I’d reopened the wound and now it was making a bloody mess all down my finger. The entire drive home I puzzled on the question of why I’d happen to hit the exact same spot, at the exact same angle. It’s not an obvious or even likely spot. I mean what are the odds? And yet, I can instantly rename countless time I managed to stub the same dang toe, hit the same bruise, etc., etc., etc.
So do you think that knowing you’ve injured something brings unconscious and unintended attention to that area making it more likely to injure again? Or maybe it’s that I’m always this clumsy but don’t notice until I really hurt something? I suppose it could be sheer coincidence, but it sure seems to happen with a great deal of accuracy with any injury. Why is that?
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Just FYI - this is the only kind of snow for me! *wink*
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It could be my getting older and less tolerant, it could be my getting older and gaining wisdom, or it could just be the influence of Star Trek. Whatever it is, I find that my views of things in life are much simpler and more logical than they used to be, as are my reactions. I think this is a good thing, although admittedly it can cause some strife for those surrounding me. After all, it’s maddening to argue with one who remains even tempered and logical. Like the engineers in my workplace years ago who groaned when they’d coming running to me with an urgent crisis only to hear me calmly say, “A lack of planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.” Oh the eye rolls and choice words that ensued. *giggle* However, I trained them well for it wasn’t but a few months of that when they’d come in and stop themselves mid sentence and start repeating my mantra. It was amazing how many of them could find their own solutions.
However, it wasn’t always so for me. In fact, I used to be the kind of person that Ferris Bueller describes of his friend Cameron and his ability to produce a diamond. I was so easily stressed about every little thing that I’d often put my physical health at risk. And all over silly things too. I was that kid who would have a heart murmur if they missed turning in an assignment - a prevailing attitude that stayed with me through everything I did in my life well into my early twenties. The first time I heard the phrase, “Don’t sweat the small stuff - and it’s ALL small stuff” I went into instant argument mode. Now I’d be one of the first to repeat that truth.
I see this simple and logical influence in other aspects of my life. Last night at dinner my husband and I commented on how low our tolerance has become for TV distractions and how glad we are to be rid of its influence in our home. We’d gone out to eat and the restaurant had so many TV screens up with various programs that none of us could carry on a simple conversation. We left feeling edgy. And earlier that day I’d shared how because I don’t run myself ragged with a million after school events and volunteering (all while balancing it with a work schedule) I have even less tolerance when extra events do pop up on my calendar. It’s the proverbial snowball and the saying that less is more is proven true over and over again.
Today I was reading some headlines about the economy and how even those who can afford to do more this Christmas season are holding back and spending less. Some feel guilt, others are just worried. I’m all for frugality and saving, and I do agree that a great deal of what’s happening in the global economy is a much needed adjustment from extravagant and needless spending habits. But I see this issue from a more Spock like perspective. The panic attack attitude feeds continuing damage. When everyone retreats into their corners hording their reserves they continue to starve the already depleted economic streams which result in more cutbacks, more job loss and more financial woes for our friends and neighbors. When will people realize that no one can tell them how to feel or more importantly the power they have to make good their own lives and those around them? The current economic strain is what it is because that’s what people are choosing to feed.
So perhaps I am becoming a Vulcan. All I know is that the most logical and basic answers seem the most appropriate to me. I think that the majority of the stresses we feel in our every day lives are of our own doing and accepting. The good news is that means we also have the power to fix it.
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