I have recently concluded that both baby and doctor are in a conspiracy against me. It’s all a rouse to keep me down and quiet. The baby does it’s part by working so hard to grow and that seems to suck mom’s energy most completely. But I’ve determined the doctor is on it too with the supplements and other medications he’s prescribed to help with this growth. Perhaps he just knows the best way to keep me calm is keep me too tired to do anything but sleep! The doctor says most of the heavy fatigue passes after the first trimester, which means I have four more weeks of feeling tired ALL THE TIME. But I’m not complaining, if there is a symptom to experience this has to be the best. I’ve always loved sleep, so bring on the naps!
So Little One, today you gave my first scare. I wish I could put into words how time stood still this afternoon at about 1:30 p.m. Daddy and I were at the grocery store and had just started to check out. I had to make yet another bathroom run (by the way, we simply must visit about this nonsense! I don’t know if you’re trying to use my bladder for a pillow or foot rest but this is seriously messed up – I need more than 10 minute breaks between potty runs!! I will forgive you this though as you’ve not made me sick – thank you!) To my surprise and dismay I had some mild bleeding, ‘spotting’ is the technical term. My first thought was I was losing you, and that took my breath away. I came out of the bathroom rather stunned and told Daddy we may need to stay in town for a bit longer. As we walked to the car, I told him what I’d experienced. I called the doctors office but the doctor wasn’t in and neither was the nurse. They told me they’d have them call the minute they got back so we went home to unload groceries. The drive home was solemn and quiet. Dad and I both expressed a feeling of peace yet acknowledged that this wasn’t a good sign. We talked about how hard it would be to have to tell the hundreds of people who have been so overjoyed at the news of you and tell them it wasn’t meant to be. I drew strength from all the previous experiences to this point, those tender mercies and confirmations that this is a miracle that is meant to be, that you are supposed to be with us. But I worried something was wrong.
When we got home I went in (you guessed it – to go to the bathroom again!!), and then just lay down on the bed. I was relieved the spotting seemed to have stopped but still pretty concerned. I refused to do any reading or research, I just kept still waiting for the doctor’s office to call back. They finally did about 2:30 p.m. and after a few questions asked me to come in so they could make sure things were okay. The drive back was even longer and more quiet than the one before.
I could feel the nervousness of the sweet technician when she saw me and said, “We’re being optimistic right?” I braced myself for the worst and squeezed daddy’s hand extra tight. She didn’t waste a moment telling us there was a heartbeat and I felt myself let out the breath I was holding. To our great joy she reported that you are just exactly as you should be! Your heartbeat looks like a heart this time, not just a flickering white light on the screen and it has gone from 125 beats per minute to 160! It is working hard to help you grow strong and develop. What a little miracle you are! The doctor came in and visited with us and told us she’d never seen a more perfect ultra sound. She told us that some spotting wasn’t uncommon and didn’t indicate a sure miscarriage. That was a relief! She says we are 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant which means that in just two days we’ll have made it two months! I am so incredibly grateful we have made it this far. Just four more weeks and we’ll have safely traversed the first trimester and passed the first hurdles together. Every day is a gift, and I treasure each one.
I wish I could adequately express my feelings and thoughts. No words seem right or complete, no definition satisfactory. But I want you to know how deep my confirmation is that all of this is happening for a reason; that you are meant to be. Every hour of every day that we work together to make this miracle happen, I am more in awe of you and all that you will become. Thank you for all that you have already given me. Thank you for all that you have already given the rest of your family. We all feel the amazing, contagious nature of your spirit of hope, faith, and sheer joy. Will you ever know how amazing you are?!
We survived the first hiccup and rejoiced in your heartbeat. You are strong Little One, you are strong.