Dearest Little One, I struggle to find the energy required to do very much these days. I’ve been working on sharing more thoughts with you through this post for several days. Each day I’m sure I’ll find the right time when I will sit and sift through my feelings and put them eloquently into words for you. And day after day I find things slipping out of my grasp. I am so very tired right now. I know part of it is the process of growth you are experiencing too, and I believe some of it is also the supplements and medications the doctor has prescribed to help us both during this time of change. But suffice it to say, I think I never knew what tired really was and that’s saying something after what your siblings have put me through. Your brother didn’t sleep for more than three hours a night for the first two years of life and I thought I’d never know sleep again! But this is different. This exhaustion makes me border line loopy and has really knocked me off my feet – literally. I’m not fighting it and I’m grateful for the ability to just give in and rest. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t spend a great deal of time thinking about all the things that need done or that I want to do that simply must wait.
I can’t tell you how difficult it is to commit to this reality that you are growing inside me. You are such a little miracle already! Every day we journey together successfully, in this pregnancy, is and will be a miracle. I know this, and I know you know this. And I know everyone who loves us understands this too. I have truly felt the support of thousands of prayers on our behalf. I can’t even explain what that is like, only that it is very real and I feel it giving me power beyond my own right now. Especially where peace of mind is concerned. There are so many things that can go wrong, and yet I continue to feel the peace that all is as it should be and all will be well. That is definitely a strength beyond my own and I recognize it humbly.
I have to tell you how simply naive I am about all things pregnancy related. I was going through the bag the doctor’s office gave me this weekend and noticed a generic prescription for prenatal vitamins. Suddenly, I realized I had no idea if I was supposed to fill that or if what the doctor had sent me with after our first appointment was in place of that. Yesterday, the nurse informed me that indeed I was supposed to fill that and even told me of another supplement that I was supposed to be taking. I felt so silly that I left the office without knowing all the basics, but apparently they are so basic no one thought to mention it!
Today I took another small step in committing to your existence and future arrival. I bought a few new clothing items to make things a little more comfortable for us. I know this seems insignificant, but I realize now that it’s one more step in my process of truly accepting and committing to this reality. It will still be a few more months before your growth will make this pregnancy obvious, but I can tell you that I am already noticing changes. Every day I am processing this new reality. Every day I am committing and recommitting to things beyond my control. And every day I am falling more and more in love with you and wanting to meet you.
Our next doctor’s appointment is Dec. 3rd. I’ll get to see you again at that time, and I’m sure I’ll be amazed at how much growth you’ve already accomplished in only a few weeks. Until then I will continue to get up each day, breathe in and out, be in awe that this is happening and pray for your well being and development. Every day is a miracle, every day we are both more committed.