There was a time in my life when I wanted to control everything. Of course I didn’t realize this was what I was trying to do at the time – but hindsight is most enlightening. As I grow older I’m learning to recognize when I’m becoming white-knuckled about something and allowing myself to loosen my grip. Maybe it’s because some of the best things that have happened to me are things that I not only had no control over, but are thing I would never have picked out for myself.
Take my experience of motherhood. I wanted a pink crayon, and there wasn’t one in the box. I couldn’t understand it and I fought for a long time against my inability to control it and force it to appear. When I let go, I entered a world and journey of adoption that forever changed my life for the better. More than that, it did the same for others. It makes me reflect on the poem about the Master Weaver:
Several years ago my mother prayed for a change in my father’s employment. His work environment left much to be desired and it was becoming a big emotional strain. A few months later he had a stroke. Not what she was thinking as far as change. It was definitely a dark thread in the canvas and she’s frequently shared this experience telling people to be careful what they pray for. But this dark thread has brought such depth to their marriage. It has strengthened their bond and need for one another and appreciate what they have together. They even reflect more on the good things they’ve had in their life than most of us do.
In the same way, my knowledge of being a mother is deeper and more brilliant than it could have been without my dark thread of becoming a mother. It has also taught me the value of people that weave in and out of our lives. Each one fulfills a purpose, a need. It is truly amazing to me. As I sat in the room watching my daughter’s birthmother get married I realized how we had come full circle and only now did I understand that both of us were exactly where the other one needed us to be to complete our own canvas. I wrote her a poem expressing those thoughts as a wedding gift.
Life throws curve balls. Will you strike out or hit a home run?